Nonalcoholic White Claw is a dumb idea. As an alcoholic, I welcome it.
There are plenty of good reasons to be interested in the trendy sober movement. You could be counting calories, or trying to eat (and drink) cleaner. Perhaps you learned over the holidays that your body doesn’t bounce back from a rip-roaring good time like it used to, and figured you’d give Dry January the old college try. Or maybe you’re an alcoholic, like me.
It’s okay if you’re one of those, too. I know we’ve historically had to speak about the whole “alcoholic” thing in hushed tones. After all, only the most morally unscrupulous of humans can’t control their liquor! But things have changed, and now it’s cool not to drink. We’re sober for wellness. We abstain from alcohol for clarity.
And you know what? That’s fantastic.
If you’re getting off the sauce, I don’t care what your reasons are — you are seen and supported wholeheartedly. I don’t care how you got here or what your feelings on the word “mocktail” are — you have made an incredible decision, and I, for one, am proud of you. Welcome to the club!
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(When it comes to being booze-free, there’s no such thing as a bandwagon. Let’s all do our best to remember that, okay?)
As someone who started struggling with alcohol as a teenager, I’m still utterly gobsmacked that this movement is even happening. I have been waiting a lifetime to be able to saddle up to a bar and order something besides club soda with lime, and here I am, 30 years after my first booze-induced blackout, with a plethora of options to choose from. What a time to be alive!
However, I also understand that this golden age of alcohol-free beverage brands is but a temporary one. We’ve seen this story play out so many times before, such as with gluten-free, fat-free and all the other -frees. First, there’s a genuine, legitimate need that’s ignored by the powers that be. “Too niche,” they say. “It’ll never be profitable.”
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Next, a few independent upstarts start filling the gap, and after many years of extremely hard work, they start making real noise. The people in desperate need of the product are supplanted with sexier, more sales-friendly faces. Their problem either gets rebranded to sound less scary or replaced with some nonsense about gut health. Charts are made that show dollar signs circled in red pen with multiple exclamation marks, venture capitalists show up with the pockets of their fleece vests brimming with big bills, and next thing you know, we’ve got nonalcoholic alcoholic seltzer.
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Ten years ago, I couldn’t persuade anyone to let me write about nonalcoholic beverages, because there was “no market.” Five years ago, I had to push back against the editorial urge to avoid the term “alcoholism” at all costs. Two years ago, when I helped launch The Washington Post’s nonalcoholic beverage feature, I struggled to find enough quality brands to cover. And now here I am, writing about alcohol-free White Claw.
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This is silly, but not surprising. (Think about it: The company that put alcohol in seltzer is now crowing about taking it out?) And although I’m obviously thrilled to have more options than ever (even if they’re stupid), I’m also scared. Sobriety isn’t a trend; it’s a lifestyle. This is a movement, not a marketing opportunity. This is not gluten. When someone can’t eat gluten, they’ll let you know. Alcoholics are told to stay silent and stay ashamed.
Gluten doesn’t kill more than 140,000 people a year.
Pasta is not a factor in some 21 percent of suicides and 47 percent of homicides.
Half of college sexual assaults have nothing to do with bread.
Even though I’m not ashamed of my struggles, being unable to enjoy the occasional social quaff with the general population is not something my kind are particularly stoked about. I don’t want to be an alcoholic, but I am. Having nonalcoholic beverage options doesn’t just keep me sober. It makes me feel human. It makes me feel like someone who’s finally seen as a person, not a problem.
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I’m grateful for this golden age, and even though White Claw 0% may be one of the dumbest ideas I’ve ever heard, I won’t be insulted by it. (Though I will, on principle, refuse to try it.) The sober-folks table should be getting bigger, and everyone is welcome to pull up a chair. But I do want to remind every single person with dollar signs in their eyes that with this racket comes responsibility.
Whether you jumped on board as part of a larger mission or to make a quick buck, you’re here now, and you’ve got work to do. This is bigger than your product, and your stakes are bigger than your balance sheet. Because this is life or death for some people, and you have to have their backs now.
Being sober feels amazing. Being an alcoholic feels shameful and lonely. And if we do this right — treating not only the product but also the people who need it with the care and respect they deserve — we can make sure no one ever has to feel that way again.
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