Opinion | Brett Favre, not Ron DeSantis, is the future of the Republican Party

August 26, 2024

Republicans, I know you’re looking for the next Donald Trump. Somebody younger. Somebody known to millions. Somebody with more personality than Ron DeSantis or, say, a bag of doorknobs.

Your worries are over. I’ve got him.

Like Trump, this guy is super-famous. He’s not exactly focused on telling the truth. He can run a shady business deal with his left hand and play Candy Crush with his right. He’s not afraid to wheedle money out of anybody, maybe even the government. His history with women will make you reach for the family-size bottle of Purell. And, best of all, Republicans, he’s never held office.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Brett Favre.

You remember Favre? The former Green Bay Packers quarterback? He retired as the NFL’s all-time leader in touchdown passes, passing yards and wins by a QB. These days, he’s leading all ex-athletes in backpedaling, scummy moves and general behavior that’s shiftier than a NASCAR transmission.

Maybe his sneakiest quarterback sneak: trying in 2017 to get a college volleyball stadium built at the University of Southern Mississippi — where his daughter happened to be playing volleyball — with more than $5 million from a fund meant for Mississippi’s poorest families.

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On Tuesday, in his first statement about the mess, Favre said he had no idea where the money was coming from. That’s odd, since there’s a phone-full of his texts showing he obviously cottoned that something sheisty was going on. Now he’s part of Mississippi’s largest public corruption case in history. See, he does things BIGLY, in the Trumpian tradition.

I’m telling you, Brett could be your new Favrite president. How long until the right holds him up as a victim of the crooked justice system? In some ways, he might be better than Trump. For instance, since he’s from the Gulf Coast, he knows you can’t nuke a hurricane.

Favre is already plenty Trumpian. Plays golf with Trump. Endorsed him in 2020. Has even hired Trump’s old White House lawyer Eric Herschmann to dig him out of this latest mess.

Okay, true, Favre suffered more than 1,000 football concussions, by his own count, but does that mean he’s too batty to run for high office? Have you tried to follow a Herschel Walker interview lately?

Like Trump, Favre is good at “locker room” stuff. In 2010, a New York Jets’ in-house reporter named Jenn Sterger said Favre, who was then with the team, sent her filthy messages and photos of himself. “I’ve never met the man,” Sterger said. The NFL fined him $50,000 for not cooperating with its investigation. In 2013, Favre settled out of court with two Jets massage therapists who said he sent them icky texts.

This all might not be as greasy as going to a golf tournament and cavorting with a porn star named Stormy while the wife is back home with a newborn, but it’s up there.

To lead the Republican Party like Trump, you have to be an All-Pro liar, and Favre already has moves like the master’s.

Take, for instance, Sqor, a failed sports social-media start-up Favre owned with partners. They were sued in 2018 for $16 million by investors who said the company lied to them about all kinds of stuff, wildly inflating the amount of money it would raise from venture capitalists. The suit was dismissed last year — proving Favre can still dodge any blitz. Wildly inflating numbers? Who does that sound like?

There’s gobs more. Favre promotes Copper Fit copper-infused clothing that’s supposed to relieve muscle and joint soreness. Who doesn’t love metallic workout gear? Except ... “the science behind the advertised benefits tells a different story,” say the watchdogs at Truth in Advertising. That’s not as impressive as Trump running a fake university, but it’s close.

Favre somehow wrangled $1.1 million from Mississippi’s welfare piggy bank for speeches he never had to make. (If you have seen an empty podium, that’s Brett.) The state — the poorest in the nation — is trying to get Favre to pay it all back, but Favre still owes $228,000 to the state in interest. Not paying people? That’s Page One of the Trump playbook!

But Favre’s volleyball boondoggle is so Trumpy it could bring an orange tear to the eye of the Commander in Cheat himself.

Look, Favre was just trying to give his volleyball-playing daughter a little gift — like building a volleyball stadium at her school. Isn’t that what we want in a Republican president — to do nice things for their daughters? Sort of like Trump giving Ivanka security clearance?

In his VolleyGate statement, Favre said he has been “unjustly smeared in the media.” But that’s also odd, because Favre once texted Nancy New, the director of the nonprofit distributing the welfare funds: “If you were to pay me is there anyway the media can find out where it came from and how much?”

New has pleaded guilty to multiple bribery and fraud charges and is facing a maximum of 99 years in the Gray Bar Hotel. She and others may be flipping state’s evidence. Uh-oh. Still, Favre has yet to be charged with any wrongdoing. See? He wears Teflon suits, too.

Republicans, Brett Favre needs to be your new quarterback. He has a chance to be everything Trump was and more. After all, he really does have big hands.

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